Insecurity Guards

I'm profoundly worried about our new library security guard. This position has more turnover than the drive-thru clerks at Taco Bell, and based on one particular personality characteristic, I predict the new guy's not long for the gig. The glaring problem as I see it: he's way too normal.

In my year and a half at this library we've gone through more questionable security guards than the night shift at Abu Ghraib. One rather friendly old codger of a guard way past retirement age in most industrialized countries abruptly refused to work a single day longer because he admitted he just loathed small children so much he couldn't be in the same room with them. Another one drawled loudly and at length on his own cell phone to three or four different family members and friends each day while simultaneously trying to enforce the library's strict "No Cell Phones" policy. One guard just disappeared one day, never to be heard from by the library or the security company again. Perhaps it is appropriate to mention at this point that these security guards do, in fact, carry sidearms. I should really find out if they keep the bullets in their shirt pockets.

The first guard I met upon starting my new job here appeared to be missing a few fingers and some non-essential bits of his ears. He spoke a dialect of English I'm still not sure could be located on a linguistic grid of the Northern Hemisphere. All things considered, he honestly appeared to have not fully evolved into the upright-walking humanoid one can usually find at the far right end of the evolutionary chart. His given name, naturally, was Darwin.