Monday, April 10, 2006

The 2006 All Star Team

One of our former employees coined the phrase "All Stars" to refer to folks who visit our library more than, say, five times a week. I then suggested that the next time "Customer Appreciation Month" rolls around we ought to take a cue from Cooperstown and establish a Library Hall of Fame for these visitors who have reached the pantheon of patronage.

One such Library All Star just visited while I was typing the previous paragraph, an odd coincidence that is nevertheless only about the third or fourth creepiest thing about this gentleman. The Hall of Famer of whom I speak is an elderly fellow who bears a striking resemblance to the often equally creepy Joel Grey. He carries a strong and distinct odor of garlic, which I would wager he believes contains magical healing properties when ingested in bulk. Every time I've ever seen him, he has worn a short-sleeved, navy blue overcoat with epaulets decorated with what I believe to be the French tricolor, in 98 degree heat or the dead of winter.

But those aren't even the creepy things.

Since he's developed quite a level of familiarity with me, this gentleman approaches my desk as soon as he enters the building with a rather mad twinkle in his eye. He's one of those people who you're just 97% certain is completely insane, yet he's so utterly convincing that you just can't help but credit that remaining 3% to suggest that perhaps he's the only sane person left in the world and it's the rest of us who are nuts. In either case, one can pretty much erase that remaining 3% when one gets a load of what this gentleman requests from his friendly neighborhood library.

There is a monthly cyber-newsletter published by an organization which calls itself God's Kingdom Ministries, the name of which newsletter is Foundation for Intercession. Even though Mr. Creepy Joel Grey and I both know by now that this newsletter is only published exactly once a month, he still stops by in his garlic cloud every couple of days to see if the next month's issue has miraculously appeared. When I am able to provide this cheery, leprechaun-like man with his monthly news, he almost skips off to the nearest table with the magnifying glass he carries with him everywhere to immediately peruse its revelations. Since he quite often returns to share said revelations with me in a conspiratorial but always delightfully happy tone, I feel equally delighted to pass them along to my dear readers.

From this website's archives I have learned such inarguable facts as the true identity of the Great Harlot of Babylon (that is, the post-1914 U.S tax code), the reason for the "purifying wind" of Hurricane Katrina (i.e., a judgement on New Orleans' proliferation of witchcraft and homosexuality), and, perhaps most shockingly, the Catholic Church's complicity in both starting the American Civil War and assassinating President Lincoln. By the way, John Wilkes Booth actually escaped to India after capping Abe behind the ear. True story.

Creepy Joel Grey supplements his summation of the monthly news to me with at least thrice-weekly half-whispered revelations, mostly having to do with the Biblical tale of Jacob and Esau, which apparently explains just about everything one needs to know about modern world history up to and including the War on Terror. He leavens this by also setting the record straight on the events of September 11, 2001; just today, in fact, he revealed to me that the explosives that detonated the buildings were planted within them long before any planes collided with them. If I knew more about the Old Testament Tribes of Israel and modern herbology, I obviously wouldn't react to all this with such apparent surprise and amazement.

When I think about it afterwards, I almost always resolve that the next time I see him, I'm going to just tell him off and suggest he peddle his snake-oil elsewhere or find someone else to print out his outrageous newsletters and libelous websites. But this crazy old bastard is just so darn friendly. And as a library "customer," I guess he's "always right," right?


Blogger Adjective Queen said...

It sounds so familiar. My own mother told us not to worry about saving for retirement, since Jesus was coming back in 2018. What a relief! I took all our savings and played the lottery. Lost it all, but thank God, it doesn't matter!

8:22 AM  

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